Words will always get you into trouble, just draw

A lot to process, thankfully I have picked up the pen again. For drawing, not for writing. Look I say it like it has been a long time, it’s been two weeks. It has been school holidays and I’ve put things down to do stuff with my kid. I’ve really enjoyed it, I think she has too.

Words are too obvious anyway, they kick start quick reactions rather than creating space to look and think, absorb. Search for meaning rather than having it spelt out, or something like that.

That has been my experience anyway and like so many things yes I will disclaim – I mean in my own experience.

Kindness doesn’t seem to be the human default, does it. We’re very good at searching for the flaws/ weakness in another person, use that as information. It doesn’t cost to be kind, but perhaps it won’t get a couple of cheap laughs like we so need at a dinner party.

Anyway, I feel a huge urge to write but I will go to my studio to draw it all out instead.

 

Self in paint

I’ve set myself the task of painting a self portrait each day of the week this week. It’s been an interesting, boring and infuritaing task but I’m sure it’ll do me good. Most are done during my post gym time – before I have to do everything else.


 

 

My day in red was a painful one. I somehow managed to make myself do this. Powered by panadol and coffee – but it is a good reminder of how far I have come on my period journey, what my surgery has and has not achieved. Some days, you just gotta rest.

 

This one feels a little pompous. Could it be the pose? Could it be the hair? Could I just be really good at putting yself down? Probably all of those things.

 

And then I have to rush this morning, so I did a quick one in ink.

Not sure I love any of these, but that’s ok.

June drawing times

Well I’ve gotten past my little hissy fit and now back into the making of things. Being too much in my head and not just going with the hands isn’t good for The Practice.

So planning my days and things that need to get done and drawing for many. many hours is my life again. It’s good to be driven, have purpose and enjoy what the process.
Kidlet has been joining me for some drawing sessions too, there is nothing sweeter. So I did get a bit distracted from my Big Drawing to do a Small Drawing of her drawing. 😛


There’s a bunny in my studio, drawing a cookie-moon

And I’ll finish up with a self portrait – have a good weekend


Self portrait and house plant sketches

Forever Periods – Adenomyosis

Adenomyosis is a word I didn’t even know a year ago, but I have known the symptoms for most of my life. In June I had surgery looking for endometriosis but that was not present, but adenomyosis is. ( I’m not even unsure if I am talking about it properly )

I’m the person that when people suggest menstrual cups I just laugh to myself – I would forever be at home washing up blood. And I know it’s deeply uncool to admit to taking the easier and not environmentally friendly way of managing life but I do just want to live a life. I just forever have periods.
Forever periods.
Ha.

We tried one way of managing it, back in June. But it didn’t really work so I was offered another route, one I didn’t even know was possible. The doctor asked me what my plan was for more children, and when I told her NO PLANS NO MORE she actually listened to me. After we booked in my second surgery for the year – I thanked her for actually listening to me when I told her I didn’t want more children.

Last week I had parts of my body removed, which blows my mind, and I’m still really, really sore but I hope once this part is over – I can get on with the things I want to do in this life.

I’ve spent a lot of my life wishing I wasn’t a woman. There is so much mess and unpleasantness that comes with having a female body. I know there’s women who do enjoy this and find pride in it – but I’ve never been one. I can’t even begin to unravel my feelings on preganncy and early motherhood. Perhaps that’s to do with this worlds very limited representations of woman? And that can be another post because for now I’m going to potter about and water the garden with my very excellent little person.

surgery

Is boring.
I mean, doing the surgery is probably very interesting. I imagine they have to train for many years and decide what they want to specialize in and then there’d be many fascinating cases and the human body is so interesting. But then, even then, I’d imagine that that would become a little humm drumm too.
But here I am, in bed, bored AF but healing nicely. Today is the first day I have woken up and not been aching or stinging. I know I got to take it slow and easy, but it’s time to get the hell out of bed and start moving. Thank goodness..

The day after, when I was like oh hey I feel fine and thought I could just keep going and I was very wrong..

Kidlet held my hand, cuddled me, made me fruit salad and drew me this game to keep me entertained.

I felt pretty messed up and some friends took Kiddo for a bush walk and I like slept ALL DAY.. ( thank you dear, dear friends for everything .. )

She did some observational drawing – I love, love, love these little mushrooms.


And so, it is done. I did a bunch of preparation work before this so now I can slowly start getting back to it. It is hard to put things down when I am inspired, and it is hard to surrender to the body and it’s needing to heal. But I did, it is done. Thank you family and friends for being so loving and kind and helping me.

New camera joy!

Today I learnt that I can take my time to process things and I can take my time with grief. Because I feel so crammed into the mother, wife, woman roles I feel that I have to process things in quick time. It’s ok to feel things but make sure you do it quickly so dinner is on the table, the child is picked up on time, everything has it’s place and everything in it’s place. Good, done, now tidy up and get on with it.

But when I do this – when anyone does this – I just find myself not ok. I find that I want to ruin things and ruin myself. You know, that old self destruction thing that so many of us are ace at.

Totally not the kind of post you thought you were going to read with that title, hey? Same here.
Well anyway, I feel shit. I am still sad about many things that happened this year. So when kidlet is at school I am dropping the run errands, go be social, clean the house, cook food stuff and think I’ll trade it all in for some f**king self care, watch the birds, potter in the garden DRAW type stuff.

And whilst on my gardening mission this weekend ( bought a lot of seedling and soil with poo, woo hoo! ) I was charging the old faithful to take some pictures and Husband gave me a gift – a new camera. Sony alpha a6000! One that has lasting battery life! One that is portable! One that is MINE! And so I’ve been on a few wanderings taking pictures since.

nck Kitty – who is currently laying in a patch of sunlight, playing with her tail.

decorations Paper decorations.

cricket Little cricket friend.

havinawalk Cold Sunday evening stroll.

sunlit

pinecone

pathway

cave

waterrush

There are many, many more but they are of my kidelt and she can do with them as she will when she’s older.

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That’s me on Friday, I feel a bit better today then I look in it 😉

Eight years in self portraits

I’ve been thinking of doing this for a while, creating one post with all the self portraits – selfies – that I have done over the years. I’ve been examining myself for about eight years now, I haven’t always liked what I’ve seen. But it is an impressive, sometimes scary, sometimes sad and sometimes funny collection. I know I don’t have copies of all of them. They’re spread out over four old computers and some have probably accidentally/ on purposely been deleted.

2008 – Australia

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2009 – Berlin

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2010 – Wales

Caption 1

2011 Berlin

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2012 Berlin > Australia

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apart_lilymaemartin

badone_2012

2013 – Australia, working as an illustrator

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self_lmmartin

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toothy

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2014 Rural Victoria to Victorian town

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2015

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nights_lily_mae_martin

tuesday_lily_mae_martin

heat_lily_mae_martin

aprilnight_lily_mae_martin

morning_lily_mae_martin

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DunnyCan_lily_mae_martin

2016

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I completely hate this one!

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And trust me, this is not all of them and there will be more to come!
I am really proud of my work.

Drawings from the sketchbook, drawing on the drawing board

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Quick drawing I did of a beautiful teddy bear my Grandmother made before I left Brisbane last week.

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Blind contour line drawing of Jeanette Winterson when I saw her a couple of weeks back.

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Growing my hair out, sort of like a hair helmet at the moment! I am thrilled about it, as you can see 😉

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Quick sketch I did at the dinner table while waiting for the vegan red beans and rice to cook down.. Kidelt drew next to me.

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Naked!

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More naked!

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Today I found a wooden toy phone for $1, it’s pretty cool and kidelt loves it.

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This is a very large drawing I have been making a start on this week.. It is so hard but I am really happy with how it is going/ growing.