Today I learnt that I can take my time to process things and I can take my time with grief. Because I feel so crammed into the mother, wife, woman roles I feel that I have to process things in quick time. It’s ok to feel things but make sure you do it quickly so dinner is on the table, the child is picked up on time, everything has it’s place and everything in it’s place. Good, done, now tidy up and get on with it.
But when I do this – when anyone does this – I just find myself not ok. I find that I want to ruin things and ruin myself. You know, that old self destruction thing that so many of us are ace at.
Totally not the kind of post you thought you were going to read with that title, hey? Same here.
Well anyway, I feel shit. I am still sad about many things that happened this year. So when kidlet is at school I am dropping the run errands, go be social, clean the house, cook food stuff and think I’ll trade it all in for some f**king self care, watch the birds, potter in the garden DRAW type stuff.
And whilst on my gardening mission this weekend ( bought a lot of seedling and soil with poo, woo hoo! ) I was charging the old faithful to take some pictures and Husband gave me a gift – a new camera. Sony alpha a6000! One that has lasting battery life! One that is portable! One that is MINE! And so I’ve been on a few wanderings taking pictures since.
There are many, many more but they are of my kidelt and she can do with them as she will when she’s older.