Hiya,

Hope your holiday season invloved a lot of hydration and taking stock of the year that was 2020. This is the time of year where I am still in the inbetween as most people have gone back to work but not meeee.

Last year everything in my little world changed, as it did for the bigger world. It’s been coming for a long time but I guess it took the pandemic to force me to take action rather than being lost in my mind and letting fear guide me.

Such poetry..

In a few weeks I begin my second degree, a Bachelor of Nursing. In lockdown one, after I had lost all of my work, I interrogated how I was going to move forward in this life. Art is a big part of me, but my life cannot be art. Over the past few years I have had experiences that opened me up to new possibilities and I decided to work at getting into nursing. In lockdown two I studied full time and learnt all the maths and academic essay writing and all the stuff to prepare me for uni. In early October I recieved an offer into the program.

I nearly stopped making art altogether but Anthony has kept that part of me alive, I have him to thank for that. I can have both art and nursing. I’ll post new works soon but firstly look at me in my placement uniform..

Nurse Lily over and out.

x

I don’t know what took me so long to do a self portrait with a mask. Probably everything that has been going on.

I live in my studio now and it’s interesting sitting with my drawings, paintings and work mess. I’ve been slowly sorting through it, everday I do a little bit. Many things I have forgotten about. I made a little green house cubby on my balcony, which daughter was very excited about. It’s a strange sort of balcony that is exposed to too much weather for me to do much else with. I plan to sit and paint out there but the weather has been a little wild of late. I won’t talk about the weather though, that’s very boring.

Over the months I have been struggling to write a piece that I was asked to write. Then the words that I had forced out I accidently deleted. I tried again and what is wrong with me I can’t write! I stopped working on the series of paintings I was really excited about at the start of the year. Well, apart from little inks and watercolours I have just stopped making my Art Art. The big stuff.

Anyway not much point other than sharing a picture and writing words. The website is a little sluggish and it is getting harder to upload images. I will have to deal with that soon.

Happy holidays and drink your water, regularly.

LMM

I have spent most of this year thinking I won’t make it out alive. I’m sure I am not the only one who has felt this. In those early months of lockdown I tried to bury myself in books, but of course there’s homeschool and washing and dishes and the panic would rise and rise.

I’m not going to survive this, I’m not going to survive this, I am not going to survive this. 

My life has changed, irrevocably. Some days I can be functioning in the world, other days emotions are high and they hurt. Dramatic, no? But I am sure someone out there reading this knows exactly what I mean.

At this point I am facing more instability than I have in a long time – I don’t know what my future is going to look like. I’m really scared people won’t want me. I’m back to full time study in 2021. It’s also summer break and I have no work, no school and no structure and I’m probably going to be alone a lot. I bloody love routine.

Xmas always feels like a kick in the teeth.

Anyway, I digress ..

With something like BPD, a thing that affects your moods, thoughts and feelings it is really hard to tell what is you and what is It (yes I got Faith No More stuck in my head writing that line). It’s nestled right into your whole identity, your being. It shapes the way you experience and interpret the world, it shapes your relationships, your relationship with yourself. You can obsess over suicide but also be paranoid that everyone is trying to kill you – that’s super tiring. You can often feel like you are not real and I can’t describe that one any further, words don’t work.

Writing isn’t coming easy. I must have started about ten different posts over these past couple of months and given up. I’ve rewritten this one over and over again even though it is brief.

Mostly I got this. Mostly. Work in progress and all that stuff.

I have done many different things with my time this year. It needed to happen. I am a curious person, I like challenges and I channeled that into a full time bridging course at University. It has been a ride, I found aspects of this course hard but I kept on at it despite a couple of set backs. You know, Lockdown 2.0, all the kidlets missing school and being stuck at home adults. We managed. Together all the time, we managed.

I’ve been learing algebra and am about to plunge headfirst into statistics. At the beginning of this course I dreaded maths and now it is my very favourite. I can’t do it so well but I love that there is always a solution. That is soothing.

I’ve not made much art, I just can’t. Though I have been busy with other things I still love to make it when I can. It looks different at the moment. But that has always been the case with my practice, it shifts and it is important to explore different aspects. To fit it in around whatever else is going on with life at the time.

This year has been heartbreaking. I can’t see my cousin, of whom I am very close, she had her first baby on the otherside of the world. Like I did with my baby. It crushes me that I can’t be there. We still can’t see our family on the otherside of Victoria, first it was the bushfires that ripped right through the area and now lockdown. I know there is a lot of people going through monumentally diffuclt times, I know how lucky I am and this year has really been a catalyst of change in me. I need to do something more helpful in this world.

Listen, things will never be the same again and I think that I have come to terms with that. It’s time to really engage with community but also understand myself and who I truly am. Whatever that looks like.

Please, wish me luck on my upcoming maths exam.

Stay kind

LMM x

Hello,

It has been sometime. So long that it took me a while to work out how to log back into here.

September next week. Most of this year has passed and it seems to be both the longest and shortest year. Many things have happened, so many things that words don’t seem to really work at the moment. Or pictures. Or anything really. Just sort of passing time with the new way of life, getting used to walking with masks on. People dying and being born and you can’t go see anyone.

Lockdown 2.0 is different this time around as I am still working and now I am studying full time. I can’t say it is the easiest time, but I also know how lucky I am. If I am successful with my studies I think I will write more about that, but no point right now. I will just say that I am using my brain in a very different way and I think it is a good thing.

Work is my haven. As I am sure it is for many people. It is the only place that I am actually creative at the moment. I had just started this job at the beginning of the year and it has been a wild ride for all.

I’ll write sooner next time.

Here’s me in my PPE for work – it gets super foggy in there.

Get up the usual time. Have breakfast. Get dressed and, ideally, I’d love us to go for a brief walk but I still haven’t managed to achieve this just yet.. Do your teeth and hair. Set up the computer for a meeting with the teacher and check the ipad for the days shedule. Wait out the the resistance and maybe I’ll do some boxing or take a deep breath in another room and then keep on waiting. I try and remain as calm as I can. Get some school work done, I get none of my own work done. Cook healthy meals, punctuate the day with snacks, meals, walks around the block. Reading time of books she wants to read and not the books she hates. More emotions and reassure and be calm. On the internet lots of people have very strong opinions on parenting, who are not in this situation, I want to punch them. But I don’t say that on twitter because, violence. She misses her teacher, she misses her friends, she doesn’t like video conferences. I miss my jobs. I miss Arthur Studios and nutting our ways to approach different art practices and the people. I miss the National Gallery of Victoria and teaching lessons like foreshortening where I wrapped black tape around my arms for an activity. We miss Jemima. I have got a very small amount of work done. We’ve somehow worked out how to navigate all the glitchy technology. I’ve realized some things about my kid that I probably wouldn’t have otherwise. Doesn’t mean that this doesn’t suck. I do watercolours and sketches and have an idea for a new project. Log back into the school schedule and realize that we didn’t get all the work done. I turn off the ipad and tell no one.

in a time like this.

Not much. Just what needs to be said. I guess a time like this is more suited to doing – what you do and what you don’t do. Check in, grocery drop offs, make meals, check the endless empty shelves for toilet paper ..

It is incomprehensible.

It’s a take it as it comes sort of time. It is wow I thought in a time like this maybe I would panic more.

Perhaps the panic is yet to come.