Sketching and experimenting and feeling a little lost and scared.

Having a little more time to myself – than I have had in about six years – is giving me more time to think about what it is I want to do. When my daughter was younger I just took the little time I had and made work with a vengeance! Now I can take time to plot, to research, to be a little more discerning about what I put out there. I used to illustrate and sketch so much more than I do now. I used to document the process so much more than what I do now. Well, I still document it but I don’t share it online as much as I once did.
It’s lovely to look back, reflect and see what worked in 2009 was different to 2011 which is so very different to now. Now is new, and terrifying but once I pick myself up out of the fear and make myself try things it is so very joyful indeed. I can truly get stuck in the what if, what if, what if spiral and have the fear and uncertainty dictate what it is that I do, and don’t do.
When a body of work comes to an end I get very scared, having this work truly grounds me – in art making and in life. The one consistent, solid thing for me in my life has been my art. That can be very confronting when the rejection letters come in – slow but incredibly steady. When what it is I feel so strongly needs to be made does not quite cut any criteria. When I think that this could give me a sense of belonging in regard to other people, but the reality of making only isolates me further… No, I wasn’t invited to that exhibition, no I wasn’t invited to attend that event, no I wasn’t invited to speak at that thingo, no I can’t come – I got this drawing/ painting on the go and I need to work on it.

Anyway, I’m pushing through the doubt and getting on with the joy of making.

The Home is taking shape, above is just a snap off of my phone, it’s so fresh and so lovely. All these things mean things. There’s my father in law in the middle there, with his belt buckle and a rose he made for me a number of years back. The kitties are my Grandmother’s, my mother had bought them for her with the money she earned from Woolworth’s.

I didn’t get to the studio today, as I had intended. But I made a new folder with images and research that I have collected over the last few years. I feel like I am on the brink of something but I’ve come as far as I can with the thinking and collecting part, it’s time to think with my hands again.

School holidays and renovations are not friends.. much like skinny jeans and periods. Not saying they are enemies – but to take on both means a lot of effort, timing, coordination and cleaning.

I haven’t had much time to get back into the studio to explore and I’ve gone through the terror of what if I never make art ever again and just trying to trust myself but not really maybe I’ll just distract myself I’m walking a tightrope here and it’s somehow working how am I getting away with this I dunno but I am so just go with it ok *deep breath*

So I’ve filled up these holidays with cooking and learning more about food, exercising, reading so many things, and decorating my kidlet’s bedroom. The picture above is of the mural in it’s second day, we’ve been working on it together.. It’s almost finished, the image is from The Last Unicorn. Her room is looking so amazing. Our whole house is looking so different. It’s higgledy piggledy and I love it to bits.

I just had some friends over and we talked about our respective creative practices and it felt so good, in fact I feel inspired to just get back into my studio tomorrow and start experimenting. I don’t know what will come next and I’m done with being terrified of that and want to just see where it takes me.

I’ve been down. Which is frustrating because I think I’m on top of the blues and then somedays come along and show me that I might not be totally right about that.

After working so damn hard on this piece:

I felt exhausted. I made the last lines on a Saturday afternoon and the first thing I did was have a bath and get into my pyjamas. ( I don’t think I washed in the last week. Gross, I know.. )

I think it’s the best work I’ve ever done and then I freaked out that I’ll never do anything as good as it again. I had plans to begin work on some other things but this piece has led me to a different place with my art and now I don’t know what I should do. Should I follow my plans or follow my heart? I cannot do both. I can only give so much to the work. Some of it has to be left over for life 😉

So, doing life at the moment and taking a lot of photos and thinking with sketching ..

This week was topped off with two rejections, but then I got this dress: