Flowers and child

secondlayer_lily_mae_martin

The dress is the wrong green, this bothers me immensely. But hey, it’s only the second layer in parts and still the first in others. I think this painting will only need a little bit of work to either be finished or well on it’s way to finished.
I haven’t been able to paint much, or draw much – or do much of much. I am trying to balance things out and be a better mum and be a better person. So much has landed on us, I can’t even be bothered explaining myself to anyone.

My painting still feels rather amateurish to me – which frustrates the heck out of me. But I know I have had moments where I can see where it could go, which is why I still persist with it. There will be a break through. There will be.

I asked my daughter what she would like to do this afternoon – as we have some one on one time, and she said that she would like to paint together. I think I am more excited about this than her.

Photos from the past

ww2_lily_mae_martin

This photo is from World War two. I have no idea who took it or where, but the whole album creates a visual story of family before, during and after this war. I didn’t see this photo at first, as it is tiny. I was studying the portraits and trying to see who looked like who, then I noticed photos of people on boats and trains and a camp and then this one. I am not sure if these images are placed within a group of portraits for a particular purpose or not – but it is clear that they are of significance.
I am going to buy a new album to keep these pictures in and to keep them safe. I hope to one day maybe track down the family and give them back the photos of their family.

“I have bones and blood and a beating heart”

thursday2

I am low. Like, bad low. I am tired and burnt out and there is no joy in anything that I do. It’s been dragging on for months and this last week I have just plummeted. I don’t know how to talk to anyone, I am not sure there is anyone to talk to. Usually when I can’t deal with the world I draw or paint and these days I just sit in my studio and cry, because every time I pick up a pen or a brush I work and feel exhausted. I look at paintings and drawings that will just be made and then will sit in here and I don’t know why I do it.

And then I am in my room trying to make sense of how to get myself dressed because that is what adults do and I hear my daughter say “I have bones and blood and a beating heart” and I swear to god I have never heard anything more amazing in my life.

She’s going away this weekend, something I was very reluctant to agree to but just because I feel low and blue does not mean I get to be clingy and keep her all to myself, especially when I am in this gloom. I look at my workspace and am concerned that it is becoming a bit of a shrine to her but I promise ( her ) that it’s just because I haven’t done the other works that are meant to be part of this body of work. Which I guess is an ode to her in many ways, but an ode to childhood and children and the amazing things that they say and imagination and dark and light and beauty in all things.

I bought a canvas the other day that was meant to be a final for a study that I did that I was planning to enter into a prize, but I can’t bring myself to do it because prizes are brutal and I think I want a bit of time out from rejection letters. I’m also angry at the canvas because it cost me $50 and I feel guilty when I spend THAT much on something that will only be one thing. I could make my own but really I couldn’t because I do not have the space or the equipment or the means to do so.

This weekend I think I am going to drive out to some part of Victoria that I haven’t been to and just walk in the bush for hours and hours. I can just keep on walking until I am so tired and then maybe all the fresh air in my lungs and the vastness of the skies will make me get a bit more of a grip.

thursday1

Death and still life

sadday_lily_mae_martin

From the day dear horse was put down – almost a week now – I have been doing little drawings and paintings of objects that are connected to the farm and this sad time in our lives.

inkpot_lily_mae_martin

It has taken me almost a week to sit down with my daughter and talk to her about the horse. I feel bad that I didn’t talk to her earlier, but I just couldn’t. It was traumatic to see – but we must take comfort in that it was the humane thing to do.

goldielocks_lily_mae_martin

I think I explained it as best as I could. I think she understands.

Eucalyptusplatypus_lily_mae_martin

Horse passing triggers up all of the loss from this last year. But we are close to some kind of finishing line, close to closure. Or something.

1_lily_mae_martin

Close to beginning again.

Portraiture class

I’ve enrolled to do a couple of courses over the next couple of months. I feel very much challenged by them, which I think is good, even though sometimes I just want to cry in them.
Lately I have been feeling pretty low about myself and my work. I mean, There is a lot going on for my little family. So much death and loss and challenges that we just have to work out and work through together. There is no handbook for these sorts of things and lately I really have been feeling cheated.. we should have had more time.. this is what happens to people who are a decade or two decades older than us… And time really is all that you can ask for, it is the most precious thing.
So maybe that is one of my issues, time feels so valuable and when I make work that I think isn’t up to standard, I feel especially lousy. I am trying very hard to keep my emotions under control. I just want to cry and scream but that is not a normal nor healthy response to things like a line at the cinema, another opportunity missed, a person being thoughtless, traffic, stupid advertisements, why do people and things have to get old … So I try to channel it into my work and oh boy it is really hard to keep on going and to block everything out – but I just have to. The rejections and so forth keep on coming but I just keep on going.
I also really have to allow myself to make bad work, just embrace it. So what I got the proportions all wrong and the shading looks like sh*t and I angry-still-life-painted the other night and it blew – keep on going and put them aside and make something else and go back to it or maybe not.. Don’t over think right now, just do. And I am so glad to just do for the sake of doing and it is working towards something, I am just not sure quite what it is yet.. I am so glad that when I put pieces forth for things they are things that I truly believe in.

You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it – you just have to go through it 😉

portclass_lilymaemartin

So, I went to a portrait class today, and it was good.

Old mare

oldmare

A couple of days ago, old mare was put to sleep.
It was quick for her, she was munching on butter snaps all the way up to the end. Still feel awful and guilty and am blown away by the responsibility that comes with having pets.
Am feeling very sad about all of this, this last year has been very hard.