Yes, reality television is fascinating stuff and I like to watch it. Gosh, the personality types are fun to pick out, it’s also a really great way to switch off from all the things and just observe.
There are lovely things happening in my studio and in the garden. I am just so happy to be making.
Adenomyosis is a word I didn’t even know a year ago, but I have known the symptoms for most of my life. In June I had surgery looking for endometriosis but that was not present, but adenomyosis is. ( I’m not even unsure if I am talking about it properly )
I’m the person that when people suggest menstrual cups I just laugh to myself – I would forever be at home washing up blood. And I know it’s deeply uncool to admit to taking the easier and not environmentally friendly way of managing life but I do just want to live a life. I just forever have periods.
We tried one way of managing it, back in June. But it didn’t really work so I was offered another route, one I didn’t even know was possible. The doctor asked me what my plan was for more children, and when I told her NO PLANS NO MORE she actually listened to me. After we booked in my second surgery for the year – I thanked her for actually listening to me when I told her I didn’t want more children.
Last week I had parts of my body removed, which blows my mind, and I’m still really, really sore but I hope once this part is over – I can get on with the things I want to do in this life.
I’ve spent a lot of my life wishing I wasn’t a woman. There is so much mess and unpleasantness that comes with having a female body. I know there’s women who do enjoy this and find pride in it – but I’ve never been one. I can’t even begin to unravel my feelings on preganncy and early motherhood. Perhaps that’s to do with this worlds very limited representations of woman? And that can be another post because for now I’m going to potter about and water the garden with my very excellent little person.
I mean, doing the surgery is probably very interesting. I imagine they have to train for many years and decide what they want to specialize in and then there’d be many fascinating cases and the human body is so interesting. But then, even then, I’d imagine that that would become a little humm drumm too.
But here I am, in bed, bored AF but healing nicely. Today is the first day I have woken up and not been aching or stinging. I know I got to take it slow and easy, but it’s time to get the hell out of bed and start moving. Thank goodness..
And so, it is done. I did a bunch of preparation work before this so now I can slowly start getting back to it. It is hard to put things down when I am inspired, and it is hard to surrender to the body and it’s needing to heal. But I did, it is done. Thank you family and friends for being so loving and kind and helping me.
Today I learnt that I can take my time to process things and I can take my time with grief. Because I feel so crammed into the mother, wife, woman roles I feel that I have to process things in quick time. It’s ok to feel things but make sure you do it quickly so dinner is on the table, the child is picked up on time, everything has it’s place and everything in it’s place. Good, done, now tidy up and get on with it.
But when I do this – when anyone does this – I just find myself not ok. I find that I want to ruin things and ruin myself. You know, that old self destruction thing that so many of us are ace at.
Totally not the kind of post you thought you were going to read with that title, hey? Same here.
Well anyway, I feel shit. I am still sad about many things that happened this year. So when kidlet is at school I am dropping the run errands, go be social, clean the house, cook food stuff and think I’ll trade it all in for some f**king self care, watch the birds, potter in the garden DRAW type stuff.
And whilst on my gardening mission this weekend ( bought a lot of seedling and soil with poo, woo hoo! ) I was charging the old faithful to take some pictures and Husband gave me a gift – a new camera. Sony alpha a6000! One that has lasting battery life! One that is portable! One that is MINE! And so I’ve been on a few wanderings taking pictures since.
There are many, many more but they are of my kidelt and she can do with them as she will when she’s older.
I’ve been thinking of doing this for a while, creating one post with all the self portraits – selfies – that I have done over the years. I’ve been examining myself for about eight years now, I haven’t always liked what I’ve seen. But it is an impressive, sometimes scary, sometimes sad and sometimes funny collection. I know I don’t have copies of all of them. They’re spread out over four old computers and some have probably accidentally/ on purposely been deleted.
2008 – Australia
2009 – Berlin
2010 – Wales
2012 Berlin > Australia
2013 – Australia, working as an illustrator
2014 Rural Victoria to Victorian town
And trust me, this is not all of them and there will be more to come!
I am really proud of my work.
Blind contour line drawing of Jeanette Winterson when I saw her a couple of weeks back.
Fabulous photos taken by Gene-he-who-is-good-at-everything.
This picture is an outtake of something I am exploring – this kitty is truly a gift to our little family.
But, she was unimpressed:
I am working on a mammoth drawing – a large drawing, not one of a mammoth though that would be cool also. At times I have to step away from it because it is so complex and it is doing my head in. But I am truly happy with the start that I have made and I hope to get it finished in a couple of months. A lot of work for one piece but I’m trying new things and pushing myself, which is important and must be done. I can hear Grandma saying to me “Why don’t you spend more time on your work?” Because I used to rush through things all the time.
There are other drawings and paintings forming, I haven’t digitized them, I just want to let them take form in their own good time.
4:30AM, train ride, dawn rise, coffee and blueberry danish, another coffee, hair cut, smells nice, old friend, yum cha – dumplings, art shop, book shop, tram ride, yellow shoes, train home, kidlet cuddle, roast vegetables, vacuuming, mopping, bathing the child, sweeping, kitten cuddles, two loads of laundry, singing goodnight song, washing dishes, baking banana bread, decided not to make bunting for gathering, drew a self portrait.