I’m really sick of this weather, please be spring soon- even though the ice is pretty- go away.

Well it seems I have unraveled somewhat over the last week. That’s ok, but I have to do something about it. My new years resolution was to get on top of my stress and depression, I’m inspired to do so all the more because of a few people I know who share their experiences with me and work so hard to keep a lid on it.

So I’ve been looking at everything in my life and thinking about what I do with my time, what gives me satisfaction, what stresses me out too much and I think I have a plan.

I like painting- well, I love it- but I have been pushing myself so much too hard to try and meet a deadline that a) doesn’t suit me b) is unrealistic. So I am stepping back. I’m also going to paint how I feel rather than what I think people expect, as I am slowly discovering that these expectations are all in my head. My painting seems to want to take a more impressionistic style, giving me more freedom to explore the medium, so I’m going with it.

Berlin Domestic makes me very happy. I can’t do it day to day as I originally thought I might, for a number of reasons- I still have some dark days where I can just manage bare minimums done, some nights we get no sleep, I have nothing to say to anyone, and that’s all ok. I love the freedom I have with the drawings and it has given me a voice that is actually being heard. Here are a few sketches from it recently:

This is from the post Tampons and scars are not friends, you can read it here: CLICK ME

A short and sweet entry- Window, Large Tree, you can read it here: CLICK ME

A sketch I did of my husband that day before his Birthday. This Lovely Man, you can read it here: CLICK ME

I also got inspired the other day by reading Nicola Streeten’s Billy Me & You, A memoir of grief and recovery.

It’s about the grieving process her and her husband went through after the death of their two year old son.

I think it is really amazing and inspiring that this graphic novel gave her a place to explore her feelings and communicate so many things that really do not get spoken about nor dealt with honestly enough. Even though it is an experience that I have never been through, there was also a lot in this that I could relate to which I found confronting, surprising and comforting!
Writing a graphic novel is something I have always wanted to do, and last year I made several scripts and drawings that I have now abandoned, but this has made me decide to give it another go.

We stayed in Napoli because it is close to Pompeii and I have always wanted to visit Pompeii. Napoli was not what I expected it to be, but when I think about it, I’m not really sure what I expected. There were beautiful buildings everywhere with dramatic sculptures but nothing looked like it had had a really good clean or paint job in decades.
Everything was covered in a layer of dirt, including some postcards I picked up. The postcards have idealistic photos on the front with my writing on the back saying “We’re in Napoli, it’s nothing like this postcard.”
After the initial culture shock I really came to enjoy our stay- I think that everyone enjoying Anja; we felt welcome everywhere we went with her and the fact that I knew I was going home soon helped.
The art was breath taking- we saw a very large Caravaggio in a tiny church. There was a photo of the Pieta next to it so in my excitement I ran out asking the ticket man where the real life Pieta was. Once he understood me he said “No, in Rome”.
Duh Lily, DUH!

Oil on canvas
80 x 100 cm
I finished this a week ago but have had no time to post it, so here it is!

We visited Pompeii, which was huge. It was exhausting to walk around it but we managed, glad we did this in the winter time as it still managed to get quite hot during the midday and I doubt it would have been fun with more tourist groups there. It wasn’t what I expected, I didn’t realize a lot of the artifacts are in the Archaeological Museum in Naples.
We also went to the Herculaneum, which was also destroyed in the same eruption as Pompeii. In this town you could see more frescos, mosaics and original wood structures. It is also smaller and less touristy. We hired a guide (Pompeii were asking for 100 euros, here they charged us only 30 ) He was very informative, however his conversation deteriorated into killing wives and how my daughter was in a bad mood as my hips were too small for her birth – I held my tongue – he did let me go study a fresco up close that was roped off to the public.
Here are some photos I took of both cities.

Pompeii:

Herculaneum:

With Mount Vesuvius in the background.

Ciao!

I’m on a crazy family holiday in Italy. My friend Amelia said that holiday is one of those words that are redefined by parenthood- so true.
We went on a crazy boat ride that scared the living daylights out of me- but here are some pictures. This world is so beautiful.

This is the first one complete.

This is the first layer for the second painting of a small series I am working on called Lilly. They are 40 x 50CM each in size.
I only apply two layers of paint to each painting. It’s a challenge that I have given myself to work with speed, colour and the texture of the paint.

I shared a few of the photos I have been collecting over the last few years on Berlin Domestic yesterday: Pram, bunker, trummerfrauen & photos from 1943
I thought I’d share one on this blog. I found this picture in Berlin in early 2009. It had such an affect on me it’s a powerful little portrait. The photo is not much bigger than a stamp, I guess it was a passport photo. There’s no dates or scribblings on the back.

People have always commented on my honesty. People say it’s brave, personal; different from how they would do things.
Though I don’t know how to turn it off, it wasn’t a choice I made it’s just how I was made.
I know it puts me on the outside, I make people uncomfortable. I go places people don’t want to go at parties. The shit that goes on my head has a fast way to my mouth and tongue. I don’t have this filter that other people seem to have- or claim they have and maybe I just listen to people too much instead of looking at what is really going on.

After all, talk is cheap.

When I’m angry, frustrated, stuck, feeling alone- I paint. Try to loose myself in brush strokes, colour, forms, fumes.
So I have this outlet but I still say, think and write these things.

Oh well, I try.