I’ve been in the big smoke for most of this week, having to leave the above work in progress behind.
I was reluctant to leave, I’m enjoying the drawing. But it’s been so good. Though I had to cancel a few things as the first night here I hardly slept. I’ve been cooking food for everyone and having shallow baths, reading books and going to bed super early.
I went to Play Fest with my kid to see Georgia Fields play – it was wonderful. We stuck around to see other acts and I laughed to much and kid danced so much – it was really great.
Then man face missed me so much he came down to visit and we went on a date! We haven’t done that in a very, very long time.
I think this is what people call relaxed.
I also got to pick up a number of my works from my framer – he’s a real gem. Collecting my work from there is like my Christmas time, several times a year. Or even birthdays, because birthdays are like, way better.
Anyway, I love his work and he tells me to keep working and it’s always really nice and I sit and look at how my works are transformed into legitimate pieces of art by these beautiful mount boards, floating mounts and frames.
So anyway, not back in the country until much later this week as I am off to Sydney tomorrow for the conference. Then, when I do get back, I have to pack as we are moving!
WHAT A YEAR!
I am really struggling at the moment.
I have many more sketches – but still cannot find them all!
Both of these are as yet untitled, ink on paper, 77 x 57 cm
I am really enjoying the strong contours and leaving more white of the paper to help for the work. I think I sometimes over work works and I just keep rendering until the line work is lost. So this is me pulling it right back, which I guess is more complex though it may seem like less work. This new technique is a result of all of the work!
More to come..
Chatting to a pal recently they told me of their relationship that was different to most, but hey – aren’t they all? They commented about how some people are confused by the situation, to which we were both baffled by as all people within this set up were good and happy.
But this sort of thing is not unusual – we see it everywhere. The commentary on what is normal and what is abnormal in regard to sexuality, relationships and living situations.
I recall the ‘natural family’ conference which occurred recently to which I was completely baffled – I found it more than insensitive to suggest that any other set up from their limited definition was abnormal. Humans and life is just far more complex,interesting and richer than that.
Similarly – I cannot fathom someone’s sexual preference or identity being up for public scrutiny.
No one is public property, and no one is wholly public property even if they are within the public eye.
I think I am pretty uninteresting when it comes to most things. I mean, all I want to do is draw. If I am not drawing, then I just want to be asleep. But I know and know of many interesting, colourful, rich and beautiful people out there and though we are different from one another I’m so fucking grateful for this beautiful difference – difference to me, that is.
Anyway, this is purely an opinion piece, written by me, on my blog. But I just think it is important for people to be open. Regardless of if you understand something, I think it is very important to be accepting.
By Lily Mae Martin
Ink on paper
77 x 57 cm
Ink on paper
64 x 49cm
The above drawing took a little longer to complete because I went through a phase of not trusting myself with my work, and I also ruined a few pieces. I didn’t want to touch this until I knew I wouldn’t stuff it up – because it is very different in drawing style to what I have been doing. It is a turning point with and I like to make sure that key works are delivered safely!
Anyway, after a few weeks of “oh no I’ve lost my ability to draw/ paint/ make things” I just threw myself back into drawing and completed four drawings this week. F O U R. I feel pretty proud and I will share the rest pretty soon.
The other day I was doing this thing, and my better half said to me “You give more to people than they give to you” and I kept on with this thing I was doing and retorted, over my shoulder “Treat people as you want to be treated!”
This whole year has gotten away from me, I’ve done less than I wanted to do. I pulled out of so many things that I really, really wanted to do. I’ve had to decline things that I worked pretty hard to get the wheels in motion for. I’ve been pretty down about it all. I’m nowhere, nowhere, near anywhere I want to be. be it living wise, work wise – art wise – me wise.
Sometimes I think that the wife/ mother roles means that my whole person default to this sacrificial being. But I’m not happy, and truth be told – I often feel overlooked. A terrible combination. This is curious to me, how I got here. For someone who is interested in so much, and I do believe that I am quite a capable person – I don’t do much of what I want to do.
So, no more.
I was thinking I’d wait it out until the new year to make the changes, promises and resolutions. But honestly – I am ready now. I’ve already started planning and I’m not going to let the fear of rejection stop me ever again.
So this is me, saying no more to this – this way of being. I don’t like it and it doesn’t make me happy. I have work to make, research to do and a kid to have fun with. I do not care if it means I do not fit in, if I step on toes. I give way to me and people simply do not return it. So I am going to give to me.
There is no point to anything if I am not happy.
There’s been so many bumps and hiccups and major things happening this year and I’m really feeling the instability of it all right now. My better half is back and forth on a new shoot (he works in film) and my daughter is at home with me. When we are alone on this 20 acres of magic – I feel really small, disconnected and isolated.
The internet is up and down – mostly down – the phone can’t call mobiles and we live in a mobile phone black spot.. or something. We also have a fire bunker and live in snake and bush fire territory which I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT AND IT TERRIFIES ME.
This isn’t to say I can’t see the beauty here and that I never enjoy myself. And my goodness, I’ve learnt how to drive a car, quad bike and two tractors! But I never get a chance to draw. With all this space, there is no space for me to work. And last week I completely fell apart – I am so sick of the waiting for the building and hatching plans that we are not sure we can even commit too.
Then I flip out because I do have amazing ideas but I cannot see them fulfilled. I’ve tried and there’s been many failings and tears – oh god, the tears – and lost canvas, linen, papers…
So through the heaviness of the frustration and disappointment I conclude fuck it all, I just have to draw. So it isn’t the painting the size of a wall, so it isn’t the rolls of fancy french fucking 300gsm paper, flattened out with a drawing that imposes. So it isn’t the Moran winner, the Paul Guest winner – so the NGV doesn’t even look my way (yet) – I just need to draw.
I need to pull things apart and reevaluate. Life has detoured and taken me very far from where I want to be. I want to commit myself to my work FULL TIME. Not this wait until the evening and everything is done and everyone is asleep or getting there, holy crap I am so tired rubbish.
NO NO NOPE.
This is what I want from my life, this is MY life – so time to take control and get back to it. Even if it’s not exactly what I know it can be.