I’ve been hiding.
I’ve been hiding from events, from art, from people, from me, from what I want in life. I’ve taken some risks and there’s been some spectacular failures. I’m using my health, my daughter’s health ( a chronic condition ) as something to hide behind. And I know me, I know this is what I’ve been doing and I said that’s OK, you can do that in winter. But it’s no longer winter, hell how the heck is it October already?! It’s OK to have some hiding time, it’s OK to step back, espeically in winter – hibernation and all that. But it’s not OK to deny myself some things in life because I’m scared or because I’ve messed up or because things are hard.
So I have to step back up, be brave, take risks. Get drawing, get making, get driving, get traveling, get out there and do life because that’s what I’m meant to do.
While pulling together a new body of work I am trying to find words for them also. Which I do accept I have not always been good at – I am terrible with titles but sometimes, I get it right. I try. What are the rules anyway? I don’t think anyone will tell me.
Here are some small drawings that have come into being in these last few weeks – more to come
Happy drawing times –
I think I have blogged less than ever before, I think I have become far more weary of what to share, I’m more uncertain about my work and practice and where it all sits. What it all means. Maybe I am searching for meaning and there is none. I don’t know where my place is in this world and when I think I am onto something, I’m wrong. It doesn’t work out.
I’ve been off kilter since May – since my time in Western Tasmania. I came back three weeks early and I’ve never fully written about what happened there, and I won’t – but I didn’t come back simply because I missed my family. I found myself in a deeply unpleasent situtaion and I thought I’d cut my losses and get out of there rather than push through to have an exhibiton. I didn’t take a car with me and there is only a bus on Tuesdays and Fridays ( which I do recommened, the people there are so incredibly lovely ) – so I went and stayed in a hostel until the bus day came.
After this I couldn’t really talk about it and I didn’t go into my studio. I threw myself into the domestics, I took my kid to the school dance and did our hair all silly. I just thought I’d leave the Art and the Artist part of me be. I thought I’d do those things and it would pass and it’s almost mid September, I’m not sure it has. I’m working again but the stop start is greater than usual, I still don’t feel like I have it.
Humiliation is probably one of the worst things to feel about oneslef and ones work – but I think that that best word to express how I feel about it all. How I feel about myself, currently.
How can a place move me so much but be so hard for me to get back to?
I still dream about it, and then I wake up. I have explored certain routes to get myself back there and it isn’t working. I do now know what I do wrong so right now – I am not doing anything.
I feel like this year I am turning myself inside out and paths that I used to take that worked are now exhausted. I don’t really know what to do next.
Somepart of me unraveled, and I can’t work out what part. But it feels almost like my heart broke in Tasmania, and I don’t know how to fix it.
I loved it there, I am so thankful I got to go and to meet some of the best people. I just can’t seem to make things right for myself and it seemed to have come from that time. Perhaps it is a case of being in two places at once, wanting to be but I cannot be.
Hello – it has been a while.
It’s almost mid August and I find that this month is always such a slog. It’s the last of winter and my little family’s routine is a little off kilter for us all, but we are getting through. Modern family – move further away from the big smoke, meaning longer commutes and everyone misses everyone.
I’ve been working on a bunch of drawings, they are taking their time to articulate and I find it has also become a skill; to let that articulation have it’s own place and take the time. What I mean is, with smart phones and social media I can become ( and I know I am not alone in this ) caught up in getting the right lighting and angles for a photo for instagram, rather then staying focused on creating. I am trying to redirect my focus. I feel like the largest part of my art ‘career’ ( and parenting journey ) has been hugely impacted by social media and I don’t want to bang on about all the negatives, there’s already plenty of that going on, but I am trying to reshape it to fit in better – rather than dominate and direct.
Gosh – is any of this making sense?!
Anyway, I am here and I am making and I am waiting on news and making plans. More art to come soon. Soon as within a few months, not internet soon as in a couple of days. How distorted has our sense of time become!?
Here is a drawing of Kidlet with ears on. Shes’ the best and I love her.
I had a title, but I have completely forgotten it. If I explained the month that I have had, it would make sense why. But the details are boring. Point is, I did the drawing and here it is. It’s part of a new little series that I am working on. I am pretty excited about the blending of my two loves into the work – body and land.
I am due to have an exhibition at the beginning of next year. So I will be off working hard to produce new works. Really excited about it.
G’Day – couldn’t write about this last week as the website was down. Thank you for the lovely fellas who fixed this! WordPress Wizards.
From 22/07/2017 to 12/08/2017 The Winter Salon is on view at Scott Livesey Galleries. It is a mixed hang of all the artists represented by the gallery. Including works by Luke Scibberas, Joshua Yeldham, Bern Emmerich, Yukultji Napangati, myself ( above artwork is in the exhibit ) and many more.
Here is an online preview of some of the works: Clicky click
I’m working towards an exhibition at the beginning of 2018 – so I will probably be quite here but probably not. I’ll be working super hard regardless – because I am really excited and feel my drawing has gotten better.
Thanks for reading!
I got the chance to do a short course in Melbourne recently, I did the hard and soft ground etching short course at the Australian Print Gallery with Simon White. I didn’t do a soft ground plate as it looked precarious and I was really just interested in hard ground. I’ve dabbled in etching before but this set up is unlike any I have ever seen – it is amazing! The attention to detail, this place is the dream. I did get a little frustrated because I am deeply ambitious, I don’t know how to be a learner and did get upset that I wasn’t a master printmaker by the end of the three days. ( Hilarios, I know – but this is how I work, so.. that’s the truth )
Julien’s Garden in sepia.
This was my first plate – I did re work it three times, I don’t feel it was successful but that’s OK as learning. I think that the right side of the plate works better than the left side. I could re work it some more.
This is defo something I want to explore more – it is really a matter of access to the equipment though. It’s not easy thing to do. But the process is really calming. I think I could make some really good work.
Kidlet has been getting really creative over these holidays. I wake up to the sounds of her drawing, furiously. It fills my heart. I’ve gotten her some paint pens and though not cheap – they really are being made good use of.
She’s drawn many a pony, all of her classmates, many portraits of herself and one of Grandma knitting – including wool, needles and numbers of stitches and of course – her Beanie Boos.
I mean, doing the surgery is probably very interesting. I imagine they have to train for many years and decide what they want to specialize in and then there’d be many fascinating cases and the human body is so interesting. But then, even then, I’d imagine that that would become a little humm drumm too.
But here I am, in bed, bored AF but healing nicely. Today is the first day I have woken up and not been aching or stinging. I know I got to take it slow and easy, but it’s time to get the hell out of bed and start moving. Thank goodness..
And so, it is done. I did a bunch of preparation work before this so now I can slowly start getting back to it. It is hard to put things down when I am inspired, and it is hard to surrender to the body and it’s needing to heal. But I did, it is done. Thank you family and friends for being so loving and kind and helping me.