My eyes still burn, I think this one is on the right track. Time to put the subject to bed.
I have a fever and there are points in the day when I can’t even open my eyes or talk, yet alone draw. But at some point yesterday I had a clear patch and drew this, a development from the sketch I did a post earlier. I am really determined to get this portrait done – it’s been in the making for a while now and school holidays ain’t going to stop me.. But the fever sure is slowing me down.
My little one is home with me and she thinks that I am cross with her when I am just unable to function. Poor pickle. I have to find energy to make her meals and bath her, but that is all I am managing at the moment.
And then I have too many dreams when I actually get sleep, but feel too sick most of the time to sleep and I sweat so much at the moment. THIS IS THE PITS.
But I will get this portrait done. She is meant to be.
I am pretty swamped.
Having my husband working long hours in Melbourne is pretty difficult. I forget how hard it is when it isn’t as hard, which makes sense – why dwell on that. But it also means when it gets hard again I have to go through the entire process of accepting and surrendering. Which comes with a lot of emotions and lots of tears.
When people have implied that my frustrations are a reflection on how I feel about my daughter I often find that I have to refrain from shouting – how could you be so thoughtless? My kid is the light of my life, however this world keeps kids pretty separate. So to have a child means you must have some network of support and stability otherwise you cannot do anything else at all. This is totally unfair and totally not balanced.
I feel that I am mostly invisible and trying to make myself visible makes a lot of effort that I cannot muster after all the other things. I get really tired of trying to explain myself, I get really frustrated by all the things I am missing out on, I get really tired of people not understanding and worse when they do not listen and belittle me.
This is when I have to put my head down and just get through the different hours of the day; get through the evenings, making sure I am eating properly, making sure there is an element of fun to our day, making sure everyone is ok.
There are drawings and paintings sitting unfinished and I find that I am unclear as to how to go on with them. There is a great fog that I have to work though just to ad bits to them. Chip away slowly. I wonder if really this is just a hobby? Am I really going to get anywhere with this? Have I just been kidding myself?
But I know that I love my work and I have drive and direction – it’s just when I am solo parenting and alone just that seems impossible yet alone anything else.
My daughter is getting older, she is getting more independent and we have a great bond. She has her own little table within my space and will often stand with me at the drawing desk or easel and ask me about my work. Within those moments I know it is all right. She is a bright spark and our bond is strong.
I guess the biggest truth I have learnt about parenting is that you cannot reply on anyone else. So I must work out ways to make this work on my own and rely on no one.
And so, for now – everything is taking a little bit longer than it should. Everything is harder and everything comes at the sacrifice of something else.
A friend asked – a friend who understands – if I had a clear idea of what I would be doing with my art if I could. I sure do – and those clear ideas have been sitting there for years and years.
I’ll get there, eventually.
My husband bought this beautiful fish eye lens off of ebay last week. Go ebay, go fish eye! He and kidlet have been playing around with it all weekend, this is me at my drawing desk on Saturday night. I love how you can still see my serious concentrating staring face even within all of the fish eye craziness. I think I may have said fish eye too many times…
Anyway it feels like we are in the depths of winter now – because we are – but over the last two weeks like has been super intense and isolating in many ways. Everything seems a little bit harder to do and there’s no one to really talk to ( except facebook, hi facebook!) I know I used to write a lot more on this blog about life and stuff, I still write but it never seems right and that’s ok, I think. I prefer the reading aspect of words at the moment.. I have read so many incredible books this year and I feel like a queen when I get a moment with a book. That moment could be in a warm bath, with a cup of tea, in bed, on the cold steps at kinder, on a train – I even try to read when we are on the road and that makes me super sick but I keep trying every time! But, the whole point of talking about this was I noticed the other week, I was writing something long and complex and it needed some pretty intense thinking and I realised that it is totally harder to write when a kid is about chatting at you than it is to draw.
It totally is.
I mean, there are aspects to drawing and painting that are completely not conducive to communicating to anyone outside of my own brain but writing is always like that. I found that I really had to fight for some time to write with my kid – whereas drawing and painting seems like something that she accepts that I do. Like, when I do those things she doesn’t suddenly need me like she does when I try to write. Or may she isn’t that conspiratorial at all and I am just reading too much into something, or reading the wrong thing or maybe it is just that I don’t really want to freaking write that much more anyway!
Writing is awesome, I am just not as passionate about it as I am my drawing and also, I really don’t like it when people read things into my words and make it about them and contact me about it and it is so awkward! And yes, that does happen.
It’s like no one feels like a ‘hello’ is that acceptable for making contact anymore, but a ‘this is about this person at that time and place, isn’t it?’ or – ‘this is about ME!’
No, it isn’t, it is all about me.
Oh man, I crack myself up.
This weekend we are getting the land cruiser so we can drive into a bigger town and collect my paper for the year. I love that we have to get such a beast of a motor vehicle for my paper. Well, a little bit. I am getting a bit sick of going back and forth from here to Melbourne but this paper is so so good and it’s the paper sale.
But it is another weekend that I spend away from my bed and drawing board and I want to be a grumpy recluse artist but this world keeps pulling me out of that. Waaaah.
Good talk! Now I must go and put my child to bed. I have to read her poems about fairies and they are not good. Oh dammit – she wants me to read Frozen. WHEN WILL FROZEN END?!?!
I have a drawing in this Salon exhibit, check out that line up!
- THE SALON – CHAMPAGNE OPENING
THIS Saturday 13th June, 1-3pm
A large and diverse ‘rotating’ collection of art and artefacts from the stockroom, artists we represent along with works from private collections.
ON VIEW 13 June – 25 July 2015
Gallery opening hours:
Tues-Fri 11am – 5.30pm
Sat 11am – 4pm
If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact us at the gallery: email@example.com OR +613 9824 7770
But before that:
I will be at the Williamstown Literature Festival on Rachel Power’s panel – motherhood and creativity with Sally Rippin and Lisa Gorton. You can buy tickets here: Tickets