Category Archives: #drawing

You and me, kid

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stackson

It’s mental health week and a lot of people are being very brave and generous sharing their darkest and personal struggles.
Two that have really resonated with me are Parenting through depression with a preschooler by Ariane Beeston LINK and Peeping Mom on the Longest Shortest Time Podcast LINK.

I had a very difficult time becoming a mother, which I wrote about and explored within my work as a way of helping me through. And it did help me, but it also made me realise how problematic our understanding of motherhood and PND are. The language is inept, we can’t seem to understand that is is a complicated relationship that cannot be summed up in a hallmark card, or an inspirational quote. How I came to understand this, is when exploring it through my work and searching for therapy to help me through – people really didn’t know how to support me and often reflected on my being a bad mother rather than someone who needed help and support.

So my daughter is five now, and I feel so happy. I feel comfortable being a mum, I feel that there are still a lot of unknowns – but that is life. I feel like I have a good grasp on my priorities and I see the gaps and faults and just try and fix things that I can, when I can and leave the rest up to others.

I just wrote to my fav podcast talking about my experience of having a baby overseas – the podcast explores family life. And whilst I wrote my story I reflected about how having these transformative life happenings so far away from everyone and everything I once knew – still has ramifications on me today. I spent most of my daughter’s life alone with her. So in a way I have terrible separation anxiety. I try not to put this onto her, but I find it impossible to surrender and it is very hard to let her go to daycare or be babysat by anyone. At the moment I really do not want to be away from her.
On the flip side – I have really had her be part of everything in my life, so she has had all sorts of experiences with art and cooking and exploring. She’s really good at long distance train trips!

A lot of people I know who have had children around the time I did are back at work or have had more kids. I have just moved and moved and moved and lost touch and still don’t feel like I belong or that I have friends or a support network – but I finally feel like I am in a place where the possibility of that happening is likely. I feel like routine will happen and a sense of belonging is not too far off. I’m cautious, I’ve never had good luck with friends – I feel heartbroken by things that happened in the Big Smoke a year or so back. But I am healing and I feel happy or content or at least able to deal with things better than I have in a very long time.

So for the most part, I feel like I have recovered. Or maybe I just got better at managing or it’s a combination. But I think it is good to tell these stories, that giving up isn’t an option because there is still so much more to enjoy and to love in life and parenting. Recovery is not linear.

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New studio

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working

Ripped up all the carpet in the building that will be my studio yesterday, and begun the not so awesome job of sanding. I’m going to paint it all white, and then I am going to build in shelves BECAUSE I CAN. I have a rug to go down and then I can move all of my art stuff in..

Today I did nothing. Kidlet went back to school and I really, really missed her. Now she is home with me and everything feels better.

Tomorrow, more work and teaching!

Saline Sulfate Etch

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I have forever been meaning to get into printmaking and it’s just not something I have been able to do – until now!

I’m lucky to have been taught how to do Saline Sulfate Etching – I am very thankful to the people teaching and guiding me – it’s a much more safer way of etching without all the acids and such. The solution you can mix up at home and store in plastic containers, and it’s a pretty blue colour:

solution_lily_mae_martin

I did a lot of test plates, I am currently using aluminium. I am doing hard ground etching and here is the result of one last week that I am happy with, though I want to go back and etch some more into it. I think it could be a really great print with some more work and on nicer paper and alined a bit better 🙂

test_lily_mae_martin

Today I did some more plates and prints and I still have a long way to go but am really enjoying this. So much fun.

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You can learn more about Saline Sulfate Etch here: Linky dink

Big week

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We bought a house.

When husband and I were just starting out, we always used to make a build things together. It’s something that has really made us solid, I think. That we have projects and similar interests, or really we are just interested in stuff and one of the ‘what ifs’ has always been what if we bought a house and did what we want to it!

The place needs some work, it needs a wall out here and things installed there. But it is what we wanted. To make something our own. There will be messes and mistakes but how freaking exciting. The BEST part about it all is my studio. It’s huge and away from the house, which is a step I needed to take. I’ve been working within the home for many years now, but my work and I are at the point where we need the separation.
Of course there will be drawing tables and painting corners within the house, as art is so integrated into our family life.

I cannot wait to paint a huge sparkly unicorn on kidslet’s bedroom wall. We’ve be planning and scheming about this for months and months now. It’s going to be ridiculous and awesome.

There seems to be that there is the idea that an artists life must be chaotic, or the more frequently used term but implying the same thing ‘free spirited’ but I tell you that that does not work for me at all. Routine, discipline. Space.

I cannot wait.

Anyway I used the picture that I have today because I have had a beautiful week with my kidelt. A photographer came over this morning and talked to her about this camera and how it works. I’ve been following kids pace more this week than I have in a while and it has made me aware of how much I need to keep saying no to things, unless they fit in with childhood. Childhood is fleeting and I feel like there is all this pressure to ‘get back out there’ and ‘be part of things’ but it means I miss out. I don’t want to miss out on any more.

The mechanics of drawing

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I’ve made a big huge mistake of letting things get in and affecting that way I feel about my work and more importantly, making my work. After a slew of rejections and failing to adequately manage my own personal self doubt – I have just stopped. I’ve stopped making, caring, thinking about making – sometimes I sit on my floor for ages and that’s all I can do.

At least I am sitting up..

Anyway, I tend to get a bit lost along the way. I loose direction and let all the other stuff in and take over and then I forget to shut it off for a bit so I can sort myself out. Just get back to being here and being present and drawing because I love it and I do love painting too.

I don’t think I get down because I feel I am owed a patronage or anything, indeed I am incredibly grateful when people are interested in my work/ my way of working. But I think it is more about feeling so disconnected. Sometimes social media is a great thing, but mostly it is tricky and somewhat negative. I feel like I am constantly looking at other artists making work and connections and having exhibitions and I have no connections, I’m slower with producing work and I rarely have exhibitions. In comparison, I mean.

But I guess this is when the objective boss part comes in and goes “oh hush, what is it you teach your kid? Don’t compare yourself. Well, f**king put it into practice!” And then I have to appreciate the context of myself and my life experience and I think I have come a pretty long way and it doesn’t matter if others don’t see it, or rather I think that they don’t see it. And stop wasting you’re freaking time with this self doubt rubbish because when your time is up THAT will be your biggest regret. Wasting time. Not if you made work that didn’t make it into that show or that prize and you didn’t win that thing that you’ll only enjoy for a second because you’ll be shifting the goal posts anyway – you’re really not very good at being happy or proud of yourself. (Lies, if I won a thing I’d be so super happy but you know, not the point. )

So, there’s my self motivational rant, posted on a blog = blog post.

Pick up your pen Lily and make the freaking work.

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Flowers and child

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The dress is the wrong green, this bothers me immensely. But hey, it’s only the second layer in parts and still the first in others. I think this painting will only need a little bit of work to either be finished or well on it’s way to finished.
I haven’t been able to paint much, or draw much – or do much of much. I am trying to balance things out and be a better mum and be a better person. So much has landed on us, I can’t even be bothered explaining myself to anyone.

My painting still feels rather amateurish to me – which frustrates the heck out of me. But I know I have had moments where I can see where it could go, which is why I still persist with it. There will be a break through. There will be.

I asked my daughter what she would like to do this afternoon – as we have some one on one time, and she said that she would like to paint together. I think I am more excited about this than her.