Borderline Personality Disorder

I have spent most of this year thinking I won’t make it out alive. I’m sure I am not the only one who has felt this. In those early months of lockdown I tried to bury myself in books, but of course there’s homeschool and washing and dishes and the panic would rise and rise.

I’m not going to survive this, I’m not going to survive this, I am not going to survive this. 

My life has changed, irrevocably. Some days I can be functioning in the world, other days emotions are high and they hurt. Dramatic, no? But I am sure someone out there reading this knows exactly what I mean.

At this point I am facing more instability than I have in a long time – I don’t know what my future is going to look like. I’m really scared people won’t want me. I’m back to full time study in 2021. It’s also summer break and I have no work, no school and no structure and I’m probably going to be alone a lot. I bloody love routine.

Xmas always feels like a kick in the teeth.

Anyway, I digress ..

With something like BPD, a thing that affects your moods, thoughts and feelings it is really hard to tell what is you and what is It (yes I got Faith No More stuck in my head writing that line). It’s nestled right into your whole identity, your being. It shapes the way you experience and interpret the world, it shapes your relationships, your relationship with yourself. You can obsess over suicide but also be paranoid that everyone is trying to kill you – that’s super tiring. You can often feel like you are not real and I can’t describe that one any further, words don’t work.

Writing isn’t coming easy. I must have started about ten different posts over these past couple of months and given up. I’ve rewritten this one over and over again even though it is brief.

Mostly I got this. Mostly. Work in progress and all that stuff.

 

 

2 thoughts on “Borderline Personality Disorder

  1. Thank you for writing this! It always comforts me when other people share their mental health journeys- i feel less alone, and i dont feel like such a looser. I think to myself, she is amazing and she is also living with a psychological difference. In the middle of the year after looking at my history a doctor gently told me i probably will be living with depression and anxiety for the rest of my life, i felt so free- i knew it wasn’t my fault, that i’m just wired a bit differently (for me i don’t mind thinking about depression as part of me- it just doesn’t know that reality is not the bleakness it sees- and i imagine i have to teach it that things are actually beautiful and it will be ok).
    Needless to say, your blog gave me pause for thought, and a ray of sunshine in a shitty time of year for lots of us.
    Take care
    K

  2. I’m sorry I posted that silly house picture on Twitter the other day to mistakenly “cheer” you up, Lily. I didn’t know about your diagnosis. Please forgive me for being insensitive. 💖💕

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