What if, what if, what if

under_lily_mae_martin

Sketching and experimenting and feeling a little lost and scared.

Having a little more time to myself – than I have had in about six years – is giving me more time to think about what it is I want to do. When my daughter was younger I just took the little time I had and made work with a vengeance! Now I can take time to plot, to research, to be a little more discerning about what I put out there. I used to illustrate and sketch so much more than I do now. I used to document the process so much more than what I do now. Well, I still document it but I don’t share it online as much as I once did.
It’s lovely to look back, reflect and see what worked in 2009 was different to 2011 which is so very different to now. Now is new, and terrifying but once I pick myself up out of the fear and make myself try things it is so very joyful indeed. I can truly get stuck in the what if, what if, what if spiral and have the fear and uncertainty dictate what it is that I do, and don’t do.
When a body of work comes to an end I get very scared, having this work truly grounds me – in art making and in life. The one consistent, solid thing for me in my life has been my art. That can be very confronting when the rejection letters come in – slow but incredibly steady. When what it is I feel so strongly needs to be made does not quite cut any criteria. When I think that this could give me a sense of belonging in regard to other people, but the reality of making only isolates me further… No, I wasn’t invited to that exhibition, no I wasn’t invited to attend that event, no I wasn’t invited to speak at that thingo, no I can’t come – I got this drawing/ painting on the go and I need to work on it.

Anyway, I’m pushing through the doubt and getting on with the joy of making.

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