Big week

camera_lily_mae_martin

We bought a house.

When husband and I were just starting out, we always used to make a build things together. It’s something that has really made us solid, I think. That we have projects and similar interests, or really we are just interested in stuff and one of the ‘what ifs’ has always been what if we bought a house and did what we want to it!

The place needs some work, it needs a wall out here and things installed there. But it is what we wanted. To make something our own. There will be messes and mistakes but how freaking exciting. The BEST part about it all is my studio. It’s huge and away from the house, which is a step I needed to take. I’ve been working within the home for many years now, but my work and I are at the point where we need the separation.
Of course there will be drawing tables and painting corners within the house, as art is so integrated into our family life.

I cannot wait to paint a huge sparkly unicorn on kidslet’s bedroom wall. We’ve be planning and scheming about this for months and months now. It’s going to be ridiculous and awesome.

There seems to be that there is the idea that an artists life must be chaotic, or the more frequently used term but implying the same thing ‘free spirited’ but I tell you that that does not work for me at all. Routine, discipline. Space.

I cannot wait.

Anyway I used the picture that I have today because I have had a beautiful week with my kidelt. A photographer came over this morning and talked to her about this camera and how it works. I’ve been following kids pace more this week than I have in a while and it has made me aware of how much I need to keep saying no to things, unless they fit in with childhood. Childhood is fleeting and I feel like there is all this pressure to ‘get back out there’ and ‘be part of things’ but it means I miss out. I don’t want to miss out on any more.

The mechanics of drawing

I’ve made a big huge mistake of letting things get in and affecting that way I feel about my work and more importantly, making my work. After a slew of rejections and failing to adequately manage my own personal self doubt – I have just stopped. I’ve stopped making, caring, thinking about making – sometimes I sit on my floor for ages and that’s all I can do.

At least I am sitting up..

Anyway, I tend to get a bit lost along the way. I loose direction and let all the other stuff in and take over and then I forget to shut it off for a bit so I can sort myself out. Just get back to being here and being present and drawing because I love it and I do love painting too.

I don’t think I get down because I feel I am owed a patronage or anything, indeed I am incredibly grateful when people are interested in my work/ my way of working. But I think it is more about feeling so disconnected. Sometimes social media is a great thing, but mostly it is tricky and somewhat negative. I feel like I am constantly looking at other artists making work and connections and having exhibitions and I have no connections, I’m slower with producing work and I rarely have exhibitions. In comparison, I mean.

But I guess this is when the objective boss part comes in and goes “oh hush, what is it you teach your kid? Don’t compare yourself. Well, f**king put it into practice!” And then I have to appreciate the context of myself and my life experience and I think I have come a pretty long way and it doesn’t matter if others don’t see it, or rather I think that they don’t see it. And stop wasting you’re freaking time with this self doubt rubbish because when your time is up THAT will be your biggest regret. Wasting time. Not if you made work that didn’t make it into that show or that prize and you didn’t win that thing that you’ll only enjoy for a second because you’ll be shifting the goal posts anyway – you’re really not very good at being happy or proud of yourself. (Lies, if I won a thing I’d be so super happy but you know, not the point. )

So, there’s my self motivational rant, posted on a blog = blog post.

Pick up your pen Lily and make the freaking work.

drawing_lily_mae_martin

Flowers and child

secondlayer_lily_mae_martin

The dress is the wrong green, this bothers me immensely. But hey, it’s only the second layer in parts and still the first in others. I think this painting will only need a little bit of work to either be finished or well on it’s way to finished.
I haven’t been able to paint much, or draw much – or do much of much. I am trying to balance things out and be a better mum and be a better person. So much has landed on us, I can’t even be bothered explaining myself to anyone.

My painting still feels rather amateurish to me – which frustrates the heck out of me. But I know I have had moments where I can see where it could go, which is why I still persist with it. There will be a break through. There will be.

I asked my daughter what she would like to do this afternoon – as we have some one on one time, and she said that she would like to paint together. I think I am more excited about this than her.

Photos from the past

ww2_lily_mae_martin

This photo is from World War two. I have no idea who took it or where, but the whole album creates a visual story of family before, during and after this war. I didn’t see this photo at first, as it is tiny. I was studying the portraits and trying to see who looked like who, then I noticed photos of people on boats and trains and a camp and then this one. I am not sure if these images are placed within a group of portraits for a particular purpose or not – but it is clear that they are of significance.
I am going to buy a new album to keep these pictures in and to keep them safe. I hope to one day maybe track down the family and give them back the photos of their family.

“I have bones and blood and a beating heart”

thursday2

I am low. Like, bad low. I am tired and burnt out and there is no joy in anything that I do. It’s been dragging on for months and this last week I have just plummeted. I don’t know how to talk to anyone, I am not sure there is anyone to talk to. Usually when I can’t deal with the world I draw or paint and these days I just sit in my studio and cry, because every time I pick up a pen or a brush I work and feel exhausted. I look at paintings and drawings that will just be made and then will sit in here and I don’t know why I do it.

And then I am in my room trying to make sense of how to get myself dressed because that is what adults do and I hear my daughter say “I have bones and blood and a beating heart” and I swear to god I have never heard anything more amazing in my life.

She’s going away this weekend, something I was very reluctant to agree to but just because I feel low and blue does not mean I get to be clingy and keep her all to myself, especially when I am in this gloom. I look at my workspace and am concerned that it is becoming a bit of a shrine to her but I promise ( her ) that it’s just because I haven’t done the other works that are meant to be part of this body of work. Which I guess is an ode to her in many ways, but an ode to childhood and children and the amazing things that they say and imagination and dark and light and beauty in all things.

I bought a canvas the other day that was meant to be a final for a study that I did that I was planning to enter into a prize, but I can’t bring myself to do it because prizes are brutal and I think I want a bit of time out from rejection letters. I’m also angry at the canvas because it cost me $50 and I feel guilty when I spend THAT much on something that will only be one thing. I could make my own but really I couldn’t because I do not have the space or the equipment or the means to do so.

This weekend I think I am going to drive out to some part of Victoria that I haven’t been to and just walk in the bush for hours and hours. I can just keep on walking until I am so tired and then maybe all the fresh air in my lungs and the vastness of the skies will make me get a bit more of a grip.

thursday1

Death and still life

sadday_lily_mae_martin

From the day dear horse was put down – almost a week now – I have been doing little drawings and paintings of objects that are connected to the farm and this sad time in our lives.

inkpot_lily_mae_martin

It has taken me almost a week to sit down with my daughter and talk to her about the horse. I feel bad that I didn’t talk to her earlier, but I just couldn’t. It was traumatic to see – but we must take comfort in that it was the humane thing to do.

goldielocks_lily_mae_martin

I think I explained it as best as I could. I think she understands.

Eucalyptusplatypus_lily_mae_martin

Horse passing triggers up all of the loss from this last year. But we are close to some kind of finishing line, close to closure. Or something.

1_lily_mae_martin

Close to beginning again.