a list of doctors outdated by two years
people far away/ too busy
restricted by languages
a fantasy blurring reality

help is ultimately, unattainable.

I’ve been doing some more self portraits lately- with the recent hospital stay and trying to focus on myself and my moods it’s inevitable my art would reflect this. I’m really beginning to see why I do certain things and think certain ways. It’s one thing to recognize patterns and another to change it. I’m also learning to give myself a break- I expect far too much from myself each and everyday. I’m my own worst enemy.

Which was yesterday..

Portrait of Lucy Dyson, 40 x 50cm, oil on canvas

Owl (Pete Uhlenbruch) 40 x 50 cm, oil on canvas

Christian, 40 x 50cm, oil on canvas

My husband Gene photographs my work and then does things to them in the program called Nuke, a program that he uses for his film work. Obviously, by the way I’m writing about it I have no idea about the program, what it does or what he does. I’ve tried for years to understand, but you can love someone and not know what they do for a day job.

I just had to share this song- not only this song but this particular performance of this song.

When I hear this it feels like the words, the melody are reverberating in my throat and coming out of my mouth. It’s so fucking fantastic I have no idea why I don’t go out to concerts, to gigs more often.

To be happy is no easy thing, and it gets harder as I get older, life gets more complex. What I need and what I want has also changed and it has taken a lot to just stop myself and take a good hard look at everything.
A friend lent me a book called “The happiness project” and though I haven’t read it all yet, one line I did read has stuck out “What you need everyday is more important that what you need some of the time.” Which is an obvious and seemingly simplistic observation- but in fact is very difficult to put into practice.
My life over the last year has been an extreme struggle between my self image, my career and my family life.
What I expect of myself is far more than anyone else expects of me. I give myself deadlines that push me to my limits and if I don’t meet them I think I have failed. I expect to look good everyday, I expect myself to finish a drawing and or a painting almost everyday. I expect to have the house clean, cook fresh and balanced meals, pay my daughter adequate attention as well as my husband, also have replied to all of my emails, written a blog, and a poem and a short story and meet a friend and skype people and and and

MELT DOWN.

I can’t do it.
And that’s OK.

There are canvases that need touch ups, drawings that need to be mounted and blog posts needing to be written and I am dividing them up and assigning them SEPARATE days of the week to work on. If and when the weather gets better- I’m putting them all aside and going out with my family- or myself- and enjoying life for life’s sake. Because fuck it, work will always be there but the sun wont, my youth wont and I am sick and tired of denying myself experiences and having fun for funs sake because of the unrealistic expectations I have on myself.

I think a lot of my peers are also stuck in this work rut- it seems to be an ‘issue’ with our generation- this is our baggage. We never have time for one another because there is something that always needs to get done. Yes, I know the bills need to be paid, but I know most of the work I do doesn’t make me a cent.

This morning we have spent counting out and measuring all the little sketches & drawings I have done for Berlin Domestic. There’s 56 that have made the final cut and my lord the maths are doing my head in.. Thank goodness Gene is helping me!
It’s hailing/raining/snowing outside so it’s good to have an indoor project I guess. But I really cannot wait for the better weather. Berlin is freezing for almost six months of the year- how do people live like this?!

Anyway last night I got my bike out of the basement and rode to my friend Christian’s studio so we could have a drink and draw session. I also met Dominik Heilig, who does Kazka the comic- LINK which is really cool. We talked about doing a bigger drawing session, when the weather is better

Strolling in the rain today I took a photo of the book stack which topped off nicely with a type writer (like a cherry on top only cooler?), I always walk past this and have never taken a photo of it. The things I take for granted!

Anyway, back to the measuring and cutting and eating of chocolate.

While in hospital recently I spent many nights writing- I wrote short stories, (bad) poetry, blog posts and lists. The lists were things about myself I didn’t like and what I thought needed changing. On my last night I had a break though. See, I am interested in feminism, the way women relate to one another, how women relate to sexuality. I’m interested in our social conditioning, and very interested in beauty- what we praise and how we see ourselves. I’ve always told myself that I am not effected by the beauty standard. But that’s a lie. I also wrote down the seemingly simple day to day things I do to get myself ready for going out:
Straightening my hair, applying makeup, choosing an outfit that makes me look good- makes me look thin. Because in my eyes, I need these things to look good and I am not thin. Not thin enough.
When I was 20 I weighed 48 kilos, I was under weight. I didn’t eat most of the time and when I did, I ate junk food. I starved myself last Spring to try and loose baby weight as well as a way of punishing myself, and I still can’t make myself eat regular meals. In-fact, I binge eat and I tell myself I don’t have a problem with eating properly because look, I’m eating!

All this not eating hasn’t helped me to get the body I want, it’s just put me in bad moods.

When I read or hear about people having eating disorders or not feeling comfortable in their own bodies and faces, I despair. What a trap we have set ourselves. We live in a world plastered with images that are unrealistic. Woman’s bodies especially are mutilated and constantly broken down and assembled into just mere objects. All to sell a drink, or a top. A body that no one will ever have and if you are the rare few who obtains this impossible dream- it will be fleeting, as you will age. We all do.

But art has helped me with this. Because I am a figurative artist I have seen so nude people- of differing ages, sex and weights. The joy I found in capturing every person to was something I didn’t expect, and also being so comfortable with them and nudity. I can’t believe we cannot stand our own skins when we are all so unique, we are all so beautiful. With the years and years of working with models, life models, friends, friends of friends I have really been exposed to natural, normal bodies. They are rarely like the ones on the billboards, the movies- and this is a good thing. A great thing. Is just the way we see it that isn’t good, isn’t healthy.

Very excited to announce my first solo exhibition in three years right here in Berlin!
This exhibition will be held at the www.neonchocolate.de
Lychener Straße 23
10437 Berlin, Deutschland

VERNISSAGE: Sat. 05.05.12 – 7pm

EN:
Lily Mae Martin’s work has often has been described as “confronting” and “brutally beautiful”. Her work has been exhibited worldwide and has been featured by publications including Juxtapoz & Hi Fructose.

Brutally Beautiful will be Lily Mae’s first solo exhibition in three years and feature paintings created in Berlin over the past year, as well as drawings from her blog project “Berlin Domestic”.

DE:
Lily Mae Martin’s Arbeiten wurden oft als „konfrontierend“ und „brutal schön“ bezeichnet, weltweit ausgestellt und in zahlreichen Magazinen, wie z.B. Juxtapoz und Hi Fructose veröffentlicht.

„Brutally Beautiful“ ist Lily Mae’s erste Einzelausstellung seit drei Jahren und zeigt im letzten Jahr entstandene Gemälde sowie Zeichnungen aus ihrem Blog-Projekt „Berlin Domestic“.

Best!
LMM

I have really neglected taking photographs and sharing them of late so I picked up my (Gene’s) new camera and snapped a few things that have made me really happy lately.

My Mother stayed with me recently and gave me a few extra pennies to go and get some clothes for myself. I am very picky about clothes- to the point I will wear my old rags over purchasing things I think are cheap and tacky (and not in that fun way) they have to be perfect. Berlin fashion I really enjoy. I mean, there is a little too much acid-wash jeans, ugly jumpers and cardigan/ponchos about for my liking, but each to their own. I like that here people wear jeans and t-shirts out to events.
There is a shop I like on my old street- Manteuffel Str- called Leche and I really like some of their pieces. So I marched myself down there earlier this week and snapped up a top:

I also got a dress altered into a top.
I like how you can tell that their clothes are designed and made by someone, they don’t look like mass-produced cheap rubbish. I opened up my brown paper bag to find this little bracelet:

On the book side of things I think I read seven books while in hospital. Which meant during my ‘free’ hours I had to duck out and buy some more reading material. In one of my favourite second hand book stores on Dieffenbachstr, I came across this beautiful copy of Virginia Woolf’s biography by Quentin Bell. I wont be able to read this one in the bath but I think it is just beautiful- I will treasure this.

Spring is springing and slowly Berlin is turning green all over- blossoms and tulips budding too- makes me appreciate the ambiance plant life can bring to such a big, old and smelly city.

This is a plant that hangs near our large window in the lounge room. I really appreciate the plants in our house now- they no longer feel like another chore, they bring me a lot of joy. For a short time they sometimes trick me into thinking that I am living in some kind of 100 square paradise.