From mid December to mid January I had some works on display at DeerSPACE- we had the closing party for it the weekend just passed and I thought I should share some photos. I got a lot of great feedback from everyone so thank you for all coming and supporting me!

This painting received the most positive feedback, which surprised me as I actually didn’t like it for a long time! Now I am glad I got it framed and shared it with people.

(Photo credit Tom Phillipson)

(Photo Christian Rothenhagen)

(Photo Josh T)

This is for my new project- Berlin Domestic, but I thought I would share this one here.

I look like a murderess.

I’ve started a new project titled Berlin Domestic, it is a sketching and writing project focusing on my family life and experiences here in Berlin.

The idea came about when I spent this week home with a sick Anja and I started sketching scenes about our apartment, I thought that they would be a good way to communicate with my family and friends and any other parents or people interested out there. I will be updating it several times a week with sketches and writing.

Here is the project: Berlin Domestic blog.

Hope you enjoy!!

This morning I find myself still thinking about yesterdays post, about how society represents women in pop culture and advertising.
I’m thinking in terms of how people say that advertising doesn’t effect them and I used to be one of those people but now I know I am wrong. I remember when I was a teenage girl and how much anxiety I used to have in terms of the imagery my boyfriend was exposed too. I remember being anxious about the computer he sat up with late and night, the magazines he had stashed in a cardboard box, his sisters fashion magazines and the billboards at the trains stations we would meet at. I was always so anxious and I remember when breaking up with him I was relieved. I was relieved because it wasn’t a good relationship, but I was also relieved as I was free from feeling like I was at war for his affections, for his approvale, for his desire.

I have always been treated by boyfriends as if the problem lays with me – that I’m ‘jealous’- But it is a legitimate feeling to feel insecure about the women they masturbate too; the women they lust after in films, television shows, music clips and ads.
I always felt so alone in this as most women either dismissed me when I tried to talk about it or ignored me. ( This could have to do more with the company I used to keep)
But surely I am not the only one who felt like this? Surly I am not the only one who has felt relief not having to worry about pop culture and new ad campaigns when I became single?

EDIT- I also know that insecurity plagues boys as well; in no means do I wish to lay blame on the male species. This is just a reflection of my experiences as a girl. This effects everyone, but my point is expressing my experiences as being a woman and my gender constantly being plucked, tugged, cut up, mis represented. I think we are made very vulnerable through these misrepresentations and whilst this effects men also, it does so in a different way.

I found this extremely interesting and thought I would share this. These are a series of presentations by Jean Kilbourne, who has been collecting advertising since the 1960′s.

I found so many aspects of this presentation upsetting as well as informative; especially in terms of the messages advertising sends out to men and women. She is right in saying how many people say they are not effected by advertising, but when I think about it, everyone I know is. Almost every woman I know has low self esteem, would like to be thinner, have bigger boobs while most men I know shy away from anything considered feminine. (Including discussions about these issues.)
When she mentions that men and women occupy a different space in society it reminded me of a particular hurdle Gene and I got through when we were living in the UK. I had always had an issue of feeling unsafe when out, especially at night but in the UK it got worse. Gene found this frustrating as he didn’t understand. But when we talked about it and what we learned was how different our experiences are in society he as a man and I as a woman.
See Gene has never been wolf whistled at, shouted at by a bunch of men, beeped at, had cars slow down and open their doors to him. He’s never had his arse grabbed or someone invade his physical space. He’s never had to fear being attacked and raped, he’s never been made to feel weak and vulnerable. Where as I have. And most women do.
I can’t help but feel like prey.
The amount of women I know who have been harassed, laughed at, attacked is astounding.
I also noticed how the harassment changed when I was pregnant; it seemed to go from sexual harassment to scorn. When I was pregnant, three young men cornered me and barked at me in the street. Or when I go to a park with my child, I often get harassed by teenage boys and I feel like they hate me. I have no idea how I inspired these strong feelings in them, they don’t even know me.
I’m sick of being made to feel vulnerable in public spaces.
I know that this happens to almost every other woman out there and almost never to men. Men and women do occupy extremely different spaces in society.

I think in my personal experience, that it is true we live in a highly sexualized society, however we do not educate the reality of sex. Instead we approach sex in a very juvenile manner. People never celebrate intimacy, it’s just about the sex. And sex really isn’t the most important thing in life, it’s important but not the only thing that makes for a happy and balanced human being.
We do live in a society that ridicules ‘feminine’ aspects as well. A lot of women I know try to make themselves more like men, as if this would achieve some kind of equality. But it doesn’t- it isn’t balanced. Why not celebrate more feminine aspects in men?

Advertising is so powerful; what we see in our pop culture shapes us more than we realize.

This is how I moved my studio. This is one of the final loads with art works, paint gear and batteries included. (I lie about the batteries, I can’t help I grew up with infomercials.)
I’m out, flying solo, working from home, clearing my head and focusing on mental space as well as the physical.
I have finished one painting in my new space and have 8 more portraits to do of my portrait series and four beautiful virgin (oh my lord) canvases to do with as I will.

Woah.
People had mentioned they really get their party on in Berlin for New Years but that was pretty amazing. It’s been getting cold and grey here and I think most people left the city for Christmas as it has been pretty quite and empty, then New Years Eve came about and Berlin was alive again. It was harder to get groceries than it was for Christmas eve. I had to dodge people with my pram while they sped past with trolleys full of fireworks/beer.
We live on a fairly busy street so we’re used to traffic noise, but my my.. Last night there were people all along the footpath setting off fireworks. I opened my bedroom window to look out and rockets wizzed past me, one nearly shot in through the window. There were people shooting blanks and such at passing cars.
I took some photos from my bedroom window:

You can see in this one the fire works hitting the side of the building. There was also a box with like 20 rockets set alight that fell over and started shooting at the pedestrians.
I thought I’d take Anja out on the pram as I assumed she wouldn’t be able to sleep but bless her, she didn’t wake up at all.
Happy New Year!

The above photo is of a paper crane that Gene made that I have hung over my ‘writing’ desk.. I draw more than write at the desk.

So Christmas has come and gone; oh so fast, oh so much and I am oh so tired.
I’m already considering the festive season done and dusted. Though when I went about my business today there are still a lot of people getting their party on; huddling in groups in the street mumbling, smoking, necking jaegermeister they’ve just bought from the späti. (Oh the self righteousness of the sober!)
I was thinking about celebrating New Year this year, but being on a main road and living in a building full of early twenty year olds, I’m anticipating a very sleepless baby. She’s already waking up 3 to 4 times a night still and I have about a weeks worth of sleep deprivation that is reforming my brain cells as I type this piece of not too informative writing for the world wide web.
I was thinking of new years resolutions too but I’m too tired to bother, it’s another year, yay, but all I want is sleep and Santa skipped me this year!!

These are some Christmas cards I made for friends who came over on Christmas eve, I should have gotten myself together and made them a long time ago to send to family but, I didn’t!!

Today I got to set up my studio at home and get back into painting. I took the week off to nurse a sick baby and get ready and participate festivities, but it’s done now so back to work!!

From the photo you can see I haven’t managed to move my easel yet..

On the even of Christmas I find myself lying in bed slightly sickened by the (several batches) of my mulled wine I tried out last night thinking about Christmas and how excited I am for it.
These last few years have been a roller coaster of extreme emotions and hard but also wonderful times.
I think about my first Christmas away from home in 2009, in the first stages of pregnancy how ill and unsure I was, everything had stopped as it does around this time of year but Gene and I had no family or friends to fill it. There was snow outside and a cold I hadn’t yet adapted to and I had managed to make it to the shower without vomiting and even got myself dressed. It was going ok until my housemate put on some sort of coconut skin cream that may as well have been smeared onto my own top lip, the smell sent me straight back into feeling “morning sickness” at full force. It’s funny that I couldn’t use scented soaps, creams or any shampoo and conditioner through out my entire pregnancy but now I don’t even notice those smells.
Now I’m hyper sensitive to noise.
That Christmas Gene and I struggled to find things to do.
In 2010 we had a six month old baby Anja and the place wasn’t so unfamiliar. We had friends and the snow was magical to us. We shared the day at a friends house and though I was so sick I didn’t feel so unsure, so lonely and so scared as I did the year before. It was my first completely vegan/ vegetarian Christmas meal with a roasted nut loaf and it was just amazing.
Now, 2011, I have a one and a half year old toddler who gets excited when the doorbell rings and when she sees me sign for a package. (admittedly this has resulted in many a tantrum as she wants it now, but thank you to my older brother and his girlfriend sending their gift in a decent sized box that I now use to distract Anja with, she’s grown attached to it and likes to sit in it. ) She’s so excited because Gene is here too and she gets to play with both of us. We’ve been cooking heaps of food, making origami cranes and stars to decorate the house with (which she destroys but with such glee) and I can’t sleep because I am so excited about Christmas. We’re still missing the extended family element which if I think about it makes me teary (I miss my Mum and my brothers and Gayle and Gene’s family so, so much.) But we’re having friends over today, tomorrow and the next day.
It’s full and it’s exciting.