I guess it’s no secret that I work myself pretty hard. I’ve produced more work in this one year than I have since leaving University in 2008, and have a small child in my almost full-time care. I also have relocated countries three times since her birth in 2010.

But I still compare myself to other people- I still feel like I don’t do enough- which is crazy because I do. But I don’t feel like I do, y’know? I always feel like I could do more. For example, this weekend I’ve only worked on my current painting for three hours (today), I only got half of two drawings done in the last few evenings, I still haven’t printed out and filled out forms for a painting competition I’ve suddenly decided to enter.
But I’ve worked on a painting for three hours, I’ve worked on two drawings, I’ve got most of the stuff done for the application. I’ve also taken my daughter for a few walks, cooked several meals, baked cupcakes and blended the absolute shit out or raw sugar to make pink buttermilk icing for said cupcakes AND I’ve even had some time to myself where I did well, nothing.

But she’s got a book published, or he got a grant, she’s doing a residency and is only 24, he’s represented by insert-famous-gallery-name-here, she won all that money, she’s having another baby. But this comparison/competition is ludicrous! It’s unhelpful and it’s had me by the balls since my early twenties. I know I’m not the only one who thinks like this, so I often wonder how much of it is influenced by my past experiences and how much of it is from my society.

I always felt a little competitive with someone in my life- usually a girl around my age- but it got a lot worse during my early twenties. A time when I was in a group, and a relationship, that were all marvelling at someone else. And I think I got stuck, because I wasn’t that someone else.

It took some time, but I got out of it. However some of the residual competitive crap has still got a hold of me. It clung to me for such a long time that I feel I didn’t appreciate what I had, what I did and who I was. And if I did, I didn’t appreciate it enough. Which makes me sad, I think I overlooked a lot of good opportunities and good friendships- I was too busy begging to be included with those that rejected me.

Recently it was said I didn’t like these people, and I guess my actions and my (bad) words did appear to be like that- anything to cover up being rejected.

No one likes rejection, it feels awful.

This comparison/ competitiveness has tainted me and it’s taken me years to understand this- how I came to think and feel this way about myself, but I’m glad I got here. I’m glad I can say power to those getting their books published, getting their grants, getting their residencies, getting their awards and having their babies! And power to me for doing those three hours, nearly finishing two drawings, having good Mum- daughter time and having these wonderful self realisation moments- then articulating it.

(The above image is taken with instagram- an app I’d use more if it wasn’t so crap. It’s of my latest painting, titled ‘Phia’.)

Early Friday morning Anja and I went to get the groceries when we stumbled upon the above chalk drawing. There were many other drawings but this one is pretty amazing! It reminded me of a few years ago when I used to work for the National Gallery of Victoria, on Art Cart. I was looking after a workshop where children could select a pair of photo-copied wings (that I had designed) and draw their own devil or angel. One had chosen angel wings and drew a flying woman with huge, long breasts and pubic hair. (Come to think of it, a more accurate portrayal of a woman’s body than most grown artists manage now.) The drawing really struck me, I had had very little to do with children until I did this program and it was during this time I decided yes, one day I want children.

I found a chunk of chalk so Anja had a sit down and a scribble.

Later that day we went for a walk and after a big tantrum Anja relaxed and put her feet up, I really enjoyed this view of her groovy sneakers and the stones:

Walking through Neukölln today I spotted this hilarious hipster fossil:

We took Anja though the craft market today. She got so excited she kept running up to the different stalls touching everything with her sticky hands. When people glare at me for her getting in her way I sing to myself in my head. There’s a lot of swear words, but at least I’m not yelling at people in the street. Come on people- it’s a cute kid!

That’s my photo journal from the last two days. I’ve only drawn half a picture in the last two days but I think it’s good to prioritize sunlight and toddler love.

In closing:

Lily Mae & Anja Reine
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Thanks Toni!

Thank you so much to Nicole for sending me these!

L
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Both these photos are details, the actual painting is much larger but I’ve only been working on the face because it is the most important part of the painting. If I ruin the face- then I’ve ruined the whole painting!

This is part of a new series which is a bit more lighter and optimistic than my previous paintings. I haven’t got a title for it and I haven’t quite articulated it in my head, but I’ll find the words as the paintings take shape and develop.

-L

Lily
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Claudia & Daniel from Front Row Society came to my studio a couple of weeks ago and interviewed me as well as took some nice footage to make this video:

It’s part of their Creative Diary series which I think is awesome and am very honored to be part of- they also took the photos that I am using on this post too- Thanks Claudia & Daniel!

There are more photos on my artist facebook page: LINK

Thank you to everyone who made it through the wet and the cold. Thank you to everyone who helped spread the word and promoted it on their websites- and thank you to the people who helped me hang it- Ali, Ray, Claudia, Christian and Gene. Also thank you to the gallery and the staff for all of their support!

Lily Mae
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