I think I have blogged less than ever before, I think I have become far more weary of what to share, I’m more uncertain about my work and practice and where it all sits. What it all means. Maybe I am searching for meaning and there is none. I don’t know where my place is in this world and when I think I am onto something, I’m wrong. It doesn’t work out.
I’ve been off kilter since May – since my time in Western Tasmania. I came back three weeks early and I’ve never fully written about what happened there, and I won’t – but I didn’t come back simply because I missed my family. I found myself in a deeply unpleasent situtaion and I thought I’d cut my losses and get out of there rather than push through to have an exhibiton. I didn’t take a car with me and there is only a bus on Tuesdays and Fridays ( which I do recommened, the people there are so incredibly lovely ) – so I went and stayed in a hostel until the bus day came.
After this I couldn’t really talk about it and I didn’t go into my studio. I threw myself into the domestics, I took my kid to the school dance and did our hair all silly. I just thought I’d leave the Art and the Artist part of me be. I thought I’d do those things and it would pass and it’s almost mid September, I’m not sure it has. I’m working again but the stop start is greater than usual, I still don’t feel like I have it.
Humiliation is probably one of the worst things to feel about oneslef and ones work – but I think that that best word to express how I feel about it all. How I feel about myself, currently.
How can a place move me so much but be so hard for me to get back to?
I still dream about it, and then I wake up. I have explored certain routes to get myself back there and it isn’t working. I do now know what I do wrong so right now – I am not doing anything.
I feel like this year I am turning myself inside out and paths that I used to take that worked are now exhausted. I don’t really know what to do next.
Somepart of me unraveled, and I can’t work out what part. But it feels almost like my heart broke in Tasmania, and I don’t know how to fix it.
I loved it there, I am so thankful I got to go and to meet some of the best people. I just can’t seem to make things right for myself and it seemed to have come from that time. Perhaps it is a case of being in two places at once, wanting to be but I cannot be.